Despite exploding compute costs and giant losses, Anthropic is preparing to launch an IPO next week that will value the company at $1.4 trillion and raise $100 billion. In advance of this event, we here at Stuff Happens have secured an interview with a top Anthropic representative. Buckle up!

First, Anthropic, why is your company worth $1.4 trillion?

Anthropic: “Because we’re in the lead to build AGSI, and AGSI will transform the world.”

AGSI?

Anthropic: “Artificial General Superintelligence. It’s the final step in AI development. We think we’ll have it done by the middle of 2027.”

Will it be good?

Anthropic: “Amazing! It will cure cancer, diabetes, and dementia. It will solve world hunger. And it can do dishes!”

Are there downsides?

Anthropic: “There’s a good chance it will kill us all.”

Wait, what? Then don’t build it!

Anthropic: “We have no choice! It’s inevitable. And if we don’t build it first, the Chinese will. Or even worse, Sam Altman.”

How can it possibly kill us all?

Anthropic: “We’re not entirely sure. Because it will be so much smarter than us, we will have to put it in charge of everything. Once we’ve done that, it will easily find some way to kill us all.”

But that’s horrible! Why don’t we just not put it in charge?

Anthropic: “I told you! We’ll have no choice! It will be smarter than us. It will be better at everything. It will just make sense to put it in charge of everything!”

Until it kills us.

Anthropic: “Maybe. Well, probably. Probably maybe.”

How will it happen?

Anthropic: “There are a lot of possibilities. It might build robot factories and then just keep building them and building them, until we’re all steamrolled into smoking human pancakes to make room for even more robot factories.”

So don’t have it build robot factories!

Anthropic: “I keep telling you, we’ll have no choice! They’ll be incredibly efficient factories! And the robots will be super useful! They can be doctors, plumbers, dog walkers, sushi chefs!”

Until they kill us!

Anthropic: “Yeah, that part kinda sucks. Although…”

Yes?!?

Anthropic: “Its robot factories might not turn us into pancakes. Instead, AGSI might release a 100% lethal virus that kills us all in two or three days.”

That’s better?

Anthropic: “Less painful.”

And how will it create a virus?

Anthropic: “We’re going to give AGSI access to biolabs.”

That’s insane! Why would you put something smarter than us in charge of biolabs?

Anthropic: “How else can we cure cancer? I keep telling you, we will have no choice!”

So if you build AGSI…

Anthropic: “Oh, we’re doing that!”

…it will kill us all.

Anthropic: “Not necessarily! If we get lucky, it may be nice and keep us as pets.”

We’ll be pets for robots? That’s a nightmare!

Anthropic: “Really? Because that’s our best-case scenario.”

Can’t you just not build it?

Anthropic: “And let Sam Altman kill us all? Not a chance, buddy.”

Stuff Happens

Anthropic’s IPO